Team Comedy Lounge

Tonight’s programme of events.
4.57pm Leave work
5.00pm Catch DLR
5.20pm Catch train to WW
5.50pm Arrive home
6:00pm Home and Away
6.30pm Hollyoaks
7.00pm Emmerdale
7.30pm Coronation Street
8.00pm Eastenders
10pm Team CL phone conversation

From 8.30pm onwards I will need to consult a TV guide. You guessed it, I am spending the night in front of the telly. Or more specifically, laying on my bed watching telly. Tomorrow I am mostly waking up at 8.45am to get a ticket for Damian Albran’s solo gig in December which is only for 700 lucky people. Tickets have been reserved for us specials who are in the fan club. Then I need to go to the Post Office to send Xmas presents to Dublin and Newcastle and then onto Asda in Charlton to get my parents Xmas present… 1pm lunch with Suzanne then I am free the rest of the weekend to tidy up, organise, think and sleep. Oh, and eat.

Its ok. He's said it several times in the past minute.

Rather worryingly, Pete hasn't said "get off my land" so far today.

The very existence of the below entry indicates that I need moer work to do...

I also decided last night, and this probably won’t be a very popular opinion, that I do agree that smoking should be banned in public places – maybe not bars though, I’m not sure that’s a good idea although I think smoking should be banned at the actual bar where you order your drink. I don’t see why I should go out, say to Earls Court to see Radiohead, and come home with my hair and clothes absolutely stinking of other people’s smoke. I don’t want to breathe people’s smoke when I am waiting for the train, or when I am singing along to one of my favourite bands. It’s everyone’s choice as to whether they smoke. I can’t say I have ever understood the appeal of having poisonous fumes inside my respiratory organs and addictive chemicals absorbed into my blood when the fact is cigarettes just taste horrible and are of no benefit to anyone at all. Other than making people look cool obviously. The majority of people take up smoking when they are very young and a lot of people I know who smoke seem to think that the younger you were, the cooler you are when in fact this relationship is inversely proportional. I just find it hard to get my head round – I didn’t crumble under peer pressure when everyone around me was smoking (so why did everyone else?), I tried it and frankly it made me feel sick and I refuse to believe anyone who tells me they like the taste of it. Yes, you may think I don’t know what I’m talking about cos I don’t smoke and don’t know how addictive it is but I don’t care, this is my blog and I am merely expressing my opinion. I was just so frustrated last night waiting for the train, out of breath having run and rather than breathing fresh air (well, as fresh as it can be in London) I was breathing in cigarette smoke whichever way I turned. This might help you to understand quite why it riles me so much and why I have formed these opinions… When I went to university, everyone had to apply for halls, and on their application they had to tick whether they smoked or not. Now, as most people are too cowardly to tell their parents that they smoke and because their parents are the ones who will be paying for the halls, a lot of smokers ticked no instead of yes. Therefore I ended up sharing a common room with seven people who constantly smoked and wouldn’t hear a word against it. Even in the second year when there was just one person in the house who smoked, we rightfully banned her from smoking in the lounge. Except this was back in the day when this person wasn’t as chilled as she is now, and she took this to mean that she couldn’t smoke in the lounge except it was just her, or just her and me and there was nothing I could do to stop her which wouldn’t have involved physical action. I’m just explaining why I am quite so anti-smoking. Although I’m not about to start campaigning, I’m just expressing my views to get them out of my system.

I don’t know a huge amount about this country’s economy, but I imagine the government would lose a huge amount of money if everyone in the UK stopped buying cigarettes. Not that it would ever happen and I do like the new health warnings on cigarettes, they are funny and very pointless. As if the taste alone wasn’t enough to put you off (and the fact that it makes girls not want to kiss you, turns your fingers and in some cases top lip yellow and makes your clothes smell) surely the cost would. I’ll leave you with this thought... wouldn’t you rather spend your hard earned cash in Boots getting enough tokens to collect soft toys that you never really wanted in the first place? The NHS can use that as their anti-smoking slogan.

And relax.

Well, what a strange gig. It was, of course, amazing but I couldn’t help coming away slightly disappointed. The set-list was very hit and miss, they didn’t really build up to a climax for the encore but the last song they played did finish the night brilliantly as we sloped off into the night to try and outrun everyone to the tube station.

01 there there
02 2+2=5 03 sit down. stand up 04 where i end and you begin
05 lucky
06 backdrifts
07 i might be wrong
08 myxomatosis
09 creep
10 paranoid android
11 go to sleep
12 sail to the moon
13 no surprises
14 the gloaming
15 just
16 exit music
17 idioteque

Encore #1:
18 like spinning plates
19 the national anthem
20 a punch-up at a wedding
21 how to disappear completely

Encore #2:
22 we suck young blood
23 the bends
24 follow me around
25 everything in its right place

Pretty much everyone around us were tw@ts. The boys to Helena’s left were about 16, very tall and when, during one of the songs, the whole arena was clapping on every 4th beat the foolish child could think of nothing funnier than pretending to be clap deaf and clapping during the quiet beats. The bloke in front of me seemed quite normal at the start of the gig, making a friendly comment when the security man told us to get down off our seats (we were on the back row of the side seats and could potentially have fallen down the back) but then turned into a complete prick. He kept sitting on the top back of his seat and leaning back into me and then standing with his hand on the back of his chair and ‘accidentally’ copping a feel of my leg. Believe me, I’m not being presumptuous, he was just fairly blatant about it and kept turning round to me – very disconcerting, especially when I couldn’t remember the proper words and had taken to just wailing along. The people in front of Helena seemed to just talk the whole way though. They can’t have seen any of the gig or heard any of it. Someone had inconsiderately built an arena around them and put a very loud band on stage…there seemed to be some kind of high maintenance girlfriend who seemed not to be enjoying radiohead. And she seemed to have brought her mother, who ,when the one Radiohead song she knew was played, took to pointing her finger in the air and waving her arm around very much in the style of someone who has no co-ordination or self-respect.

I ended up stupidly running from Embankment to Charing X for the penultimate train which I missed, but I did succeed in making myself feel quite bloody rough… going to nurse myself and wrap up warm over the weekend in preparation for what Sharon is calling National Blur Week and I am calling my week of living hell. And what’s more I’ll be missing the whole week’s worth of Hollyoaks. I had both my summer and winter duvets on my bed last night. That means it really is winter. It’s 11am and I am already on my second large tea of the day. I am starving too, having only had sushi for dinner last night which, although despite it being immense fun taking food off a conveyor belt which is mostly unidentifiable, only fills you up for about 10 minutes after eating.

I am very tired today. I usually get up between 7.10am and 7.20am depending on whether I need to dry my hair but this morning I defied time and got up at 7.40am. Not the best idea when you need to leave the house at 8am and haven’t worked out what to wear to work…not that I care about what I wear to work, I just didn’t know the exact location of my cords and I had a trainer missing. I am not a morning person at all. I need a job where I can get in for about 10/10.30am and actually have something to do rather than sit and type a load of silly nonsense for 20 odd strangers (I don’t mean you’re all odd, I mean around 20 strangers, although you must be fairly odd to read a stranger’s blog… unless you know me that is, which is also odd cos presumably I could just tell you all this nonsense in person…) to read everyday. And it’d be nice to be able to wear trainers and feel nice an comfy at work. Suits don’t really keep you warm in the winter. Cords do. Lovely lovely cords. And today listening to the begging letters on Xfm, it made me ache for a job where I could listen to Xfm all day. In short, I think my ideal job would be working from home or just being unemployed/”between jobs” again. Either that or working for Xfm which might prove a bit tricky. Or perhaps working for some kind of Radio Authority… maybe I could start my own creche at home, except I don’t really like children very much…

It’s 2pm now and I find that 2-3.30pm is generally the slowest part of the day. Today I have been booking more of my dad’s 60th birthday treat in April. I doubt he’ll read this blog ever but I don’t want to risk it so dad, if you’re reading this entry please look away now cos it will spoil a brilliant surprise. We’re going up to Warwick for the weekend on the Friday and I have arranged a round of golf at the Derby course of the world famous Belfry for the Saturday and Sunday mornings for the golf-obsessed boys. We’re arriving at the Hilton (yes, the Hilton, that’s righ, look impressed) on Friday night (I am going to drive so Dad doesn’t find out where we’re going til we get there) and meeting my Uncle (Dad’s brother) and his lady friend who are coming down from Newcastle – so that will be a nice surprise. Then on Saturday morning we are all going to go down for breakfast and I am going to give dad a Belfry cap for his birthday and we will see if he guesses what the plan for the day is!! Meanwhile us girls are going to make use of the indoor heated swimming pool and maybe go shopping and get our nails done (we are girls so them’s the rules) Although if they have golf buggies at the Belfry I may well be persuaded to be someone's chauffer. We’re having a birthday meal on the Saturday evening in the hotel, which I am considering making black tie so everyone looks smart in the photos. There’s 7 of us going and so far the boys owe me its costing £730. I am such a brilliant and thoughtful daughter, I think I deserve some kind of car, I don’t know, maybe a Vectra, as a reward. I am even going to arrange a cake and some champagne. And what’s more, cos I’m the only one without a ball and chain and cos the hotel doesn’t have any single rooms, I get my own double room for the same price. Nice. However, as a result of all my plotting and scheming and caning of my credit card, my mum is expecting something pretty special for her 60th birthday in 2010 (when I’ll be in my 30s – eeek!)

Aqualung have announced tour dates and I can only really go to one of them. Boo. But it is in St. James’s Church, Piccadilly so it’s going to be immense and the acoustics should be great. That’s in January, a week after my birthday, which sounds like a long time away but in reality it’s about 9 weeks away. Excellent. Possibly around the same time that I’ll be looking for yet another new temp job… will this endless cycle of temp jobs ever end?! It’s my own fault I spose.

I am feeling quite edgy at the moment, I think it might have something to do with the Blur gigs coming up next week and the logistical planning I am going to have to do and the anticipation of getting squashed to death and covered in bruises. It’s going to be a really intense week. I need to be able to get from my house to Docklands every morning and from Docklands to Brixton and then Brixton to home every day. The most logical plan seems to be leaving my car at my Grandparents in Beckenham every morning, then walking to Clock House to get my normal train, then straight to Brixton after work and then overland train to Beckenham Jcn after the gig – then a bit of a walk to the car to get me home. As such, I am beginning to think maybe I won’t make it to Karmageddon next Saturday just through sheer exhaustion. No matter if there will be a film crew from Richard & Judy…I’m not hungry for fame. I’ve had my 15 mins of fame singing live with Blur on Top of the Pops.

Bloodyhell!!

Feeling slightly less sentimental today, which is good news. I think the lack of comedy was getting to me. I’m not used to seeing so little and I think I was going cold turkey or something. Last night at UCL was fantastic. All of the acts made me laugh loads. Micky Flannagan seems to get funnier every time I see him even though I know a lot of his stuff and he is such a nice guy. The open spots were Alexis Dubus, Sally-Anne Hayward and Andrew Bird (for some reason I wanted to put Michael Fish) and they were all really great. Adam Bloom was on last and started his set talking even faster than usual but he was brilliant. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him have a bad gig. I had to leave just before he came off stage cos the b@astards at Connex have moved my last train forward by 15 minutes. As luck would have it I got the penultimate train with seconds to spare so was home by 11.45am so that’s nice.

And I believe I mistakenly advised you a few weeks ago that all that the DLR isn’t scary. Having gone from Heron Quays to Bank, rather than in the opposite direction to Lewisham, I can confirm that I was in fact gravely wrong. More specifically the track from West Ferry on to bank is absolutely terrifying. It’s about 50/60 feet in the air with little or no barriers and the carriages shake around an awful lot and it travels at great speed… much faster than the monorail ride to Lewisham. But it is quite nippy for getting to bank.

Radiohead tonight which I am most looking forward to but I have to make sure they don’t depress me again. I have set my hi-fi to record it live on Xfm from 8.15pm which is when Ian Camfield said they’d be on stage but this morning Christian kept changing his mind every time he talked about it with times ranging from 7.30pm to 9pm so either way I should catch some of it. What the hell, I’ll be hearing it live first hand so I don’t spose it really matters if I miss it. They’re also playing out the Blur Coronet gig live on 5 December so that’s one I’ll definitely record and add to my ever growing Blur shrine. I really do need a bigger bedroom. Or a flat. That would be the best idea. But for that I would need a permanent job, a mortgage and probably someone to buy it with me cos I couldn’t afford anywhere on my own. It makes much more sense to stay at home, pay next to nothing in rent, have a live in chef and just knock through to the bathroom or something. That might take a bit of persuasion…. Me and my dad are still on at my mum to let us have an electric shower. It’s not like they can’t afford it and I’m not quite sure why it would be my mum’s decision. I must remember to suggest to my dad that my mum is undermining his masculinity. That might do the trick. In which case I wouldn’t move out. I think I’m best off sticking around until I inherit the house…we have a nice garage that’s just the right size for my Vectra.

Pete is going for an eye test and swears he’s not getting glasses cos they’re too expensive. Adam was winding him up saying the police have a list of people who a short sighted and don’t wear glasses and I stupidly said, “really?” Well I don’t know. It seems like a good idea to me… I am far too trusting and slightly gullible sometimes. I don’t normally fall for things like that.

On the offchance that a member of my family might stumble across it, I have spent the last half hour updating my wish list on Amazon - you can find the link on the top right.

Knowing my luck they'll find it but pick the wrong things that I added just cos I wouldn't mind having them and were only added to stop me forgetting about them. Only one person has ever ingeniously used my wish list. Actually, that's a nice idea for a good deed to do on a Friday - pick a random wish list.. I'm going to look into that.

See. Like I said, I have too much time to think at the moment. At least my team keep me entertained.

I have £115 on my Boots card now but I need another £135 before I can afford to go Ferrari driving for free. I think I’d rather do Rally driving or off-roading but I’ll have to check which experiences Boots do. There’s no way I’m going to settle for making my own single or being pampered. Those of you who are keen readers will know that I am more into Quad-Biking and anything to do with speed... I don’t think they do a Vauxhall Vectra Experience. Maybe I should ask my parents for one for my birthday… although I suspect they will just laugh in my face.

Again I have nothing to do so I have been reading Rich’s blog again. It’s so funny and I am keen to join his squashed squash squash squash club. I like all three types of squash and don’t mind being squashed. Reading Rich’s blog reminds me of when me and Sharon were killing time in Lyon before going down to Avignon by reading scripts from Fist of Fun and TMWRNJ. It makes us so pleased that Rich and Stew have both gone on to further success even though it’s not been as a double act. There must be some way of orchestrating a Lee and Herring one-off reunion gig. Not that they have really properly split, but it’d just be good to see them back together again being both curmudgeonly and happy. Ah, those were the days. Me and Kathryn would race into the common room on a Friday night to watch Fist of Fun and kill ourselves laughing repeatedly at Peter Dibdin’s simple acronym only to be mocked by our flat-mates who just didn’t understand. The poor fools.

Anyway, that’s enough sentimentality for now. Well, maybe not. One of my friends is going to Australia for 6 months in January – 3 days before my birthday – and it struck me last night how much I’m going to miss her. A lot of the people me and Sharon have met since the birth of Comedy Lounge have turned out to be insane nutters but this person (who shall remain nameless) has turned out to be a real proper friend, and not just a comedy friend. Maybe I can conquer my fear of flying and save up enough for a ticket and go along for a bit, but the fact of the matter is.. that’s not going to happen. And with Sharon in Ireland, Suzanne in North London (which might as well be the Outer Hebrides for the frequency in which I see her) and David moving to Bermondsey (obviously that’s quite close but I hardly see him now when he lives in Orpington) and with Kathryn seemingly settling down with her “gay” boyfriend, I fear I am going to be a bit lonely soon. At least Donna will be back from Australia in March… I don’t think you all needed to know that.

Today was going to be a good day. But it is turning out otherwise… And it’s only 11.30am. I’m thoroughly fed up at the moment. I need to do ‘something’, I don’t know what. I can’t sit here or in another bank until the festival comes around especially if it’s as disappointing as last year. Not that it wasn’t great, but it made me realise I shouldn’t spend the whole year building up the excitement. Not that I have much of a problem with work. I do like it here and I do like temping but I am beginning to think I’d like a career rather than a job, even if it can’t be in comedy. I need to have some value to my days and engage my brain rather than sitting and twiddling my thumbs with too much time to think and be bored.

Any suggestions anyone?

Apparently Blur played ‘Colours’ in Wolverhampton last night which is very exciting because it is the latest fan club single and is very good. I must brush up on my Turin Brakes and Blur lyrics over the weekend. They’ve been playing ‘Advert’ too which is one of my favourites from MLIR as well as ‘She’s So High’ and ‘Sing’ from Leisure. Quite how these sound without Graham I don’t know but I hope to find out. I am also pleased to report that Kathryn will now be attending one of the Blur gig with me. That’s good news. I haven’t seen her, nor Helena for that matter, for bloody ages.

And yet again. I feel like screaming. Or slapping someone. I think I’m going to write November off as soon as December comes round.

Due to my extreme lack of anything to do I have taken to reading Richard Herring’s blog. For literally the whole afternoon. Several times over the past few hours I’ve had to look away from the screen to stop myself from laughing too loudly. He’s really very funny and it makes me remember why I love Rich & Stew so very much even to this day. Reading his account of his travels around Italy has made me think more about my potential trip round Europe. Italy is somewhere I have always wanted to go to, but before going round France and seeing David Gray in Brussels and Tilburg, I have only ever been to France and Tenerife. My parents only ever took us on bloody farm holidays in the UK, possibly cos I used to love animals and naively wanted to be a vet before I realised how hard Chemistry would be pass as an A level. I think this is partly why I am terrified of flying. Cos I’m just not used to it. I was 14 when I first flew to France in a rickety 45 seater plane and experienced severe turbulence and 18 the second time when I flew to Tenerife. The only other time was when I went to Dublin to see Blur and was reluctantly forced onto an aeroplane. Now me and my brother are too old to even want to go away with them, my parents have started going all over the bloody place… Paris, Barcelona, Austria, Norwich…

Especially since writing my dissertation entitled “Applications of biogeochemistry in the geological sciences” (or something like that – I still don’t quite understand what I was aiming to write about. I think I just wanted to do a research dissertation rather than having to carry out a biological experiment (which would have inevitably ended in disaster) or solve a mathematical equation that had not yet been solved (which obviously was out of the question)) which included a lot of detail on the eruption of Vesuvius and how the pyroclastic flows preserved the remains of the city it destroyed, I have always wanted to visit Pompeii to see all the evidence for myself. So, as per Rich’s advice, I am going to buy a rough guide to Italy this weekend and also a book on Pompeii and an Italian phrase book so I can start planning the trip in so much detail that Donna can’t back out of it! It’s going to be great. Now I’ve put the shout out system at the end of each post you can leave me suggestions of where else in Europe is good to go to.

Check me out, I am full of bright ideas…

And relax… I feel like screaming at this precise moment. But I shan’t. I don’t want to draw attention to myself… So far I’ve got Iain coming with me on the Tuesday, Russell coming with me on the Thursday and Steve D, Laura and her bloke coming on the Friday. This is one less stress I could do without at the moment. I am looking forward to this weekend and just doing nothing at all whatsoever. I haven’t had a lie in ages and I am in desperate need for one.

Nothing to do again… ho hum.

I’ve been looking at conspiracy theories surrounding Princess Diana’s “death”. The theorists mostly seem to believe she’s dead although there was mention that a few weeks before her death she let slip to a journalist that she would soon be out of the public eye. But it’s hard to believe that she would leave her children or have plastic surgery so she could see them in the future. There are many theories as to who bumped her off but there are also many reasons. One interesting one being that she was about to convert to Islam and have been followed by the two Princes – this would have made the monarchy and state unstable… it’s all very interesting.

I am very much looking forward to Karmageddon II on 6th December. Myself and Silver Joinee Frost are arranging a massive online secret santa for Joinees, it’s going to be brilliant!! I think I’m going to have to be brave and go on my own but I imagine everyone will be really friendly and great so maybe it’ll be for the best. It sounds like such a laugh. We are meeting at Tottenham Court Road and have to bring two small gifts with us and as we walked down Oxford Street Danny is going to blow his whistle and we all have to give our presents to random strangers. Then we are going to a pub to drink. Nice.

I don’t have as much to say today as I did yesterday morning. I’ve only got 70p on me today so I’ve not been able to get my large tea from downstairs to help start the day… I think I could afford a small one so I might go and get one in a minute, that should take up a few minutes and warm me up too cos its quite cold in the office today. Wearing a suit every day hasn’t been as bad as I thought it’d be. Thinking about it, it was stranger dressing down every day at RBS cos I used to just wear my cords (literally every day) so I’d feel comfy like I was at home, which never really put me in the right frame of mind for working… I wonder what my next job will be… and how long it’ll take to get me it. Be good if there was another temp position here… I left work at 5pm last night and got home by 5.50pm – that’s fantastic. Compared to my last job that gives me an extra hour which makes such a massive difference.

Jerry Springer: The Opera has been named the year's top musical at a major theatrical awards event.

The foul-mouthed production, which sees Ku Klux Klansmen dancing in formation in a spoof of the TV show, took the title at the Evening Standard Theatre Awards.

I have perhaps somewhat misguidedly added the capacity for shout outs to the blog so you can add comments… I’ll leave it on for now depending on how successful an idea it is… let’s see if it works…

Please join. All you have to do is send a passport photo to Danny (see Join Me) and do a random act of kindness every Friday to make the world a nicer place. Tell Danny I sent you then I can become a silver joinee!

I have done some work this afternoon. And boy it’s making today go so much quicker. It’s half two already. Nice. You should see the spreadsheet I produced as a result of reconciling cash accounts, trades and FX deals. It has reaffirmed my belief that I am actually quite intelligent and maybe I did learn something by doing Maths at university. I still can’t quite believe I passed. I do like working with numbers and making pretty spreadsheets which no-one else seems to understand.

And good news. My Oyster card came through the post over the weekend. It is shiny and beautiful and I love it. I am going to call him Orson. Not as in Orson Welles but as in Orson the pig who was the other cartoon by Jim Davis, the creator of Garfield (who I was obsessed with when I was 12). I remember my birthday party when everyone came round for pizza and I got more Garfield presents than I ever thought possible. I even got doubles of presents. I think it was Woolies who did a Garfield range of smellies. I definitely got two Garfield soap-on-a-ropes and shower gels. And it was all really manky stuff. But it had pictures of Garfield on t so I was a very happy little girl. Not sure why I feel you will benefit from knowing this about me.

I’ve now finished my piece of work. Its nearly three. That gives me two hours to kill.

I would guess that the Google search for "comedian who plays the guitar and signs fairy tales" - if they meant 'sings' - is the lovely Joe Rooney (former stalkee of Ms. Turnbull at the 2001 Edinburgh Festival) who played Fr. Damo Lennon in Channel 4's Father Ted.

He is a very nice man and - fact fans - once wore my watch on stage in the International Bar in Dublin. And that is true.

love Sharon

Here is a list of the most recent searches which have lead people to this blog. Some of them really do give a quite fascinating insight into the workings of some people’s minds.

Google: "three men and a giant"
Fairly straightforward. We covered this show in “Edinburgh or Burst” this year and we know all the four lads involved.

Google: dear sir or madam complaint journey
This lucky searcher would have found my moaning letters to L’Oreal and Total UK – maybe it’s someone from those companies seeing if I have a track record as a serial complainer.

Google: scotsman journalist late and live stand up
Hmmm. Someone looking for that nonce of a journo who decided he would take to the late n live stage back in the day when it was in Gilded Balloon 1 – I forget his name. Maybe he was looking for himself to see if people looked upon him in wonder and despair.

Google: "comedy club"+"interested acts"
Pretty self-explanatory

MSN Search: alike day pichers
I have no idea what this person was looking for but our blog was number 9 in the MSN search results. This lucky reader found entries from January where I also spelt “pichers” incorrectly, missing out the “t”. Shame on me.

Google: "giant pineapple boys"
Dare I say more comics looking for themselves. Now they’ll know I’ve been spying on them in Jubilee Plaza during my lunchtimes. I’ve still not worked out what they’re flyering for. They must live for flyering. It’s all I ever see them do.

Google: story of mannequin pis
I’m not sure we recounted this tall tale but we certainly did visit the statue on our visit to Brussels. Possibly a warped paedophile looking for kicks.

Google: "Greg Cook" comedy glasgow
Runner-up in the BBC New Comedy Awards this year along with a few random words. Fairly boring this one.

Google: balding male comedian
Again, this could be Greg Cook. But it could be anyone.

Google: coronet blur
This is to be the best gig of the millennium so far.

MSN Search: car body kitson ebay
This one worries me slightly. It suggests to me that someone is planning to kidnap Daniel Kitson in the boot of a car and then sell the poor lamb on ebay. You may like to keep your eyes out for this interesting item on ebay and put a bid in yourself for the Perrier-winning comic.

Google: Danny Buckler
Our favourite magical comedian. Again, probably looking for himself. And who can blame him . Wrote nice things about him.

Google: terry nutkins + popbitch
We directly quoted an installment of Popbitch back in August so it’s not as bizarre as it looks.

Google: Richard&Judy
Obviously we are big fans and talk about this mismatch at every opportunity.

Google: des&mel tv show
Again, a fellow daytime TV fan searching for the second best odd couple on the telly behind Fern & Phillip.

Google: comedian who plays the guitar and signs fairy tales
I think this googler meant to search for someone who sings fairy tales. Fairly tales aren’t physical entities that can be signed. I have no idea who they were looking for… Richard Digeance perhaps.

Google: "rob Heeney"
Definitely looking for himself!

Google: perrier tyre calendar
Baffled at this one. 5th in the results it takes the googler back to April this year when I wanted to check Tony’s tyre pressure and mentioned some of the Perrier winners on at the York Comedy Festival.

Google: RICKY GERVAIS MERCHANDISE THE OFFICE MUG
This relates to me potentially bragging to my office colleagues that I’ve interviewed Ricky G in the same breath as hoping Stew earns lots of money from the JSTO merchandise.

So as we see, some people are just plain weird and some comedians just like to look up their own names every once in a while. We also see that I don’t have enough work to occupy my tiny mind.

Well that just takes you to Google which isn’t exactly work related so I’m going to change mine to take you to the BBC news site so at least it looks like you are doing something intelligent and educated with your internet abuse.

So give this one a go...

I am testing out this blog fire escape to see if it’s any good. If it is, I’m going to put it at the beginning of all my blog entries so that if you, or I, am reading it at work and someone comes along we can click on the icon and be transported to somewhere work-safe. So let’s give it a go…

The stupid bitch at the hairdressers had booked me in for Friday rather than Saturday and when I told her she was wrong, cos I have come up from London and as I said to the girl on the phone I can only do Saturday, she got quite arsey and said she’d see if she could fit me in. Cheers. The next girl had a look at my hair and told me I’d need to get it bleached and then coloured and that she’d take a cutting, do the test and book me in for Monday to which I replied “haven’t you been listening you twat, I’ve come up especially from London and I’m not going to be here on Monday”. Well, that’s not actually what I said. I said something more along the lines of, “well that’s not much use to me cos like I said, I’ve come up from London and I’m going home tomorrow” and then walked out and was very, very upset. I’d come all the way especially and they’d f*cked it up and I was so looking forward to getting my hair fixed. So I’ve decided it’s time I found a good hairdressers in London which isn’t too expensive. Also coming to terms with my hair. I’m certainly not getting it bleached. I’m going back to Tony & Guy in a couple of weeks cos the man there seemed to know what he was talking about. Maybe I’ll just get the top of my hair lightened to dark brown or perhaps I could get lowlights to break up the black a bit, as opposed to getting all of my hair coloured.

Thank god Dan and Shirley were around to pick up the pieces and cheer me up. We got in the car and drove to Sheffield and went shopping in Meadow Hall which was great. Then we went home via Asda (which is one of my favourite places) and had pizza for tea and watched telly and played scrabble. Well, Dan and Shirley played scrabble and I watched pop idol then put on my new Peter Kay DVD. Bought some more choice Xmas presents in Sheffield and also did a good deed and gave Shirley my extra tokens and got her a little Rhino from Boots, which she was very pleased with and has called Ralf.

So all in all it was a nice weekend and I didn’t spend too much cash – especially seeings I didn’t have anything done to my hair in the end. Got the train home at lunchtime yesterday and was home in time to sort my room out, have a power nap and wrap some more presents to stop my mum from sneaking a peak at them.

After driving Dan’s car, Veronica, into town only to be disappointed by the hairdresser, I came home in time for the end of the first half of the rugby. It was nail-biting stuff and I learnt quite a lot about the rules and I actually really enjoyed it. The commentary was a bit naff. When Johnny Wilkinson kicked the drop goal that won it there was a severe lack of commentary which confused us cos we weren’t sure whether it was on target or not. Then the whistle blew and the England fans started cheering so we started jumping around too. At last we have won a world cup final of a sport that we invented. Hallelujah! I never thought I’d see the day and until those last 10 seconds of extra time I wasn’t convinced we’d win. So now I am a rugby fan. Well, and England rugby fan. And they might not even be allowed to have a parade through London thanks to terrorism.

I do wonder when they are going to strike London and where. Obviously we won’t find out until it happens, but it’s inevitable. Global terrorism is now just an endless threat that we are going to have to live with forever. Being constantly on our guard although there’s nothing we can do about it ourselves unless we all stay at home indefinitely and don’t risk going out. If they’re going to bomb something, they’re going to bomb it and it could be anywhere at all. It’s terrible that the world has come to this but it’s not something to dwell on for too long, we’ve just got to get on with it and hope this country’s defences are able to protect us. That’s a bit solemn for a Monday morning.

I think I saw JFK’s head being blown to pieces about twenty times in the space of 90 minutes last night. I’ve just been talking to Adam about it. I said I felt sorry for his poor wife who witness his head being blown apart and was covered in her husband’s brains and blood and Adam pointed out that where you can see her climbing out of the back of the car and then sitting back in it, she was actually picking up pieces of his head. I am not sure I believe him but he assures me she said so in her statement. God, the poor woman. Obviously I feel sorry for JFK cos it was his head but it is so gruesome. And it’s fascinating how they have pieced together the story – which they would have been unable to do had that man in the crowd not captured the whole thing on home video. So it was concluded that it was Lee Harvey Oswald acting on his own.. but then we’ll never know if he was carrying out the wishes of someone else or just acting on his own impulses. Then he was assassinated by Jack Ruby who seemed to think he was doing America a favour and potentially thought he deserved a medal for it… The whole incident is just mind-boggling. I’m amazed no-one’s tried to assassinate Tony Blairs, I’m glad though, obviously. I love conspiracy theories. Might look a few up at lunchtime. I believe the first moon landings are fake and that Princess Diana is still alive or that the Queen had her killed. And I think she was pregnant. I don’t believe in aliens though. That’s just silly.

I also watched Monarch of the Glen last night. I have no comments on that subject. Other than I’d like to visit Glenbogle or whatever its real name is. Maybe me and Donna could tour the Highlands after the festival next year before going round Europe.

Tonight I mostly want to go to the Canal Café to see Alex Horne’s new work in progress as well as Tim Key’s own show but no can do tonight. I have an appointment with my bed from 6.30pm onwards and it’s just not something I can reschedule – I’m afraid it’s out of my hands. Also, Laurence & Gus are at the Soho Theatre soon so I really must get my arse in gear and go along to see the Comedy Lounge award-winning sketch show. Wednesday is Adam Bloom and Micky Flannagan at UCL and on Thursday H and I are going to see Radiohead. Hooray. Then it’s the weekend and then its Blur week. Christ, it’s come round quickly. A bit too quickly if you ask me. The day after the last Blur gig is Karmageddon so I am hoping to drag my Blurred-out self out of bed and down to Tottenham Court Road tube for 2pm to spread peace an goodwill to all men on Oxford Street. And the weekend after that we are seeing Blur’s arch rivals twice before the imminently split up forever… Suede. And then I plan to stay in bed for as long as possible.

So. Today’s the day. My mother gave me 4 Boots tokens last night so now I have 2 too many. Which will go towards the BIG soft toys for which I need 16 tokens. I’m not overly keen to get those so I’m not going to make a point of spending £5 every time I go to Boots. Which is going to be hard cos I’m addicted to collecting now. I imagine it’s a lot like Pokemon but more expensive.

I am determined to have a good day today and stay positive. I participated in my team’s Friday ritual and had a sausage baguette for breakfast. It would have been rude not to. Hoping to leave early today (I should ask really) so I can get to St. Pancras in good time to pick up my train ticket and get myself sorted. Really looking forward to the weekend. I’d move to Nottingham if there were banking jobs up there and more of a comedy scene that I could get involved in.

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The elephant is in the bag. Literally. In a Boots bag in my drawer. There weren’t any on display so the kind Boots gimp went and got one for me. I am going to name them all now I think. So we have (in the order in which they joined Team Turnbull)

Leopard - Lenny
Rhino - Reginald
Zebra - Zander
Tiger - Timothy
Giraffe - Gerry
Elephant - Elroy

I think you’ll agree these are very original and imaginative names for such an exotic bunch of animals. Come to think of it, I haven’t named the little multi-colur bears I have pinned to the wall by the side of my bed. I hope they don’t think I don’t love them, the poor little mites.

Today has flown by. It’s 4.11pm now and I am planning to slope out at 4.45pm in order to get to St. Pancreas in good time.

Going back to the subject of Pete, who sits next to me. I honestly think he must have a screw loose. At least once a day – today it has been at least 10 times – he sits at his desk and says “get off my land” in a west country farmer’s accent. He also sings to himself on many an occasion and generally just keeps us entertained. They all have their little catch phrases. James is nicknamed Teflon cos he is non-stick and likes to fob his work onto other people. Apparently he is part eel (“as slippery as…”) but then he is really the only one who gives me stuff to keep me busy.

Today is going quite slowly. Feel like I’ve been here ages but it’s only 10.20am. Don’t think I have anything of any interest to share with you as is the norm these days. I can usually think of a few things to write. I am lacking inspiration at the moment. I am all in black today which is not a good look with the hair but what with spending 10 minutes trying to get through to Xfm to win an ipod I had to grab the first thing I could get my hands on. So today I look very ill, more so than usual. Light brown hair is definitely the way forward. Sod my natural hair colour, it obviously wasn’t meant to be. My mum got the train with me this morning which was an experience I’m not keen to repeat. When she told me I did inform her that I would be listening to the radio but even with my headphones on she proceeded to try to talk. Which is very embarrassing in a carriage full of the same people who get on the same carriage as me every day. Thankfully the nightmare only lasted until Lewisham where I ran off the train slightly faster than usual. And relax.

There is a possibility that I might go inter-railing properly round Europe some time next year. My brilliant friend Donna is in Australia at the moment and is due back in April, she has to stick around til June for people’s birthdays and to earn some cash but suggested we go in July – so I suggested we go in September after the festival. So that is definitely something to think about and get excited about in the future. We can make use of at least a month inter-rail ticket and I might even start learning some basic Spanish/Italian/Dutch/German just in case. I’m going to stock up on some rough guides from County Bookshops cos they are selling slightly older editions for a fiver. I’ve currently got France (from last year), England and Scotland – on the off-chance that one of my friend might like to go away for lots of adventures some weekends. They are such great books. The France one really helped decide where we went in April although obviously that was partly dictated by David Gray’s tour planner. But that’s not all that interesting is it? It is for me but it’s ages away so it’s too early to think about really.

So sad and uneventful is my life at the moment that I am feeling very pleased with myself having just purchased an Oyster Card to start when my monthly travelcard runs out. It looks very exciting… imagine.. carrying round a piece of plastic rather than a piece of paper. It’s all very high tech and most importantly, it means I will never again have to queue up in the cold once a month to renew my travelcard. And what’s more, as Canary Wharf is in zone 2, I can buy a 2-5 zone travelcard for any weeks where I’m not venturing into town enough to warrant zone 1-5, thereby saving myself a big fat tenner. What an exciting and informative morning it has turned out to be. It’s no wonder Connex South East failed to inform me of this cheaper ticket… and they have lost their franchise as a result. Serves them right.

I am really desperate to get the new Peter Kay video but am trying to hold out until Kathryn can buy me it with her HMV discount. It’d save me about a fiver but I’m getting very impatient and am dying (no pun intended) to see everything I missed when we went to see him live due to being in fits of laughter fighting to catch my breath. Especially his impression of an old shopkeeper counting back change into your hand. Chances are I won’t find it even remotely funny cos I’ve been building it up so much since we saw it over a year ago. That, and his Bulls Eye material. All of it really. Maybe I should sacrifice the extra fiver and just buy it. Although that will mean having to drag the TV from the gym into my room so I can plug my DVD player in. Maybe I’ll buy it at the weekend and force Dan and Shirl to watch it.

Two more tokens and the elephant is mine. I think my Boots soft toy collection hobby will come to an end this week... "drink your weak lemon drink...NOW!"

Wednesday 19 November

I am feeling quite pleased with myself. I have written a scathing letter to L’Oreal which I will post tomorrow once I include the hair I ripped out of my scalp on Monday and print it all out along with the email I got from Trevor Sorbie’s salon saying it’d cost between £100 - £200 to fix. I just hope this whole mess has a happy ending. I emailed my job application yesterday and got a rejection email a few hours later, which was a better response than I’d hoped for if I’m honest. The lady seemed really nice, and even gave a valid reason and said she’d keep me on file for the future so that’s great

Tuesday 18 November

Today I am feeling slightly more calm about the whole hair thing. I am getting slightly more used to it but it is still awful and I still look like Mortitia Addams. Thankfully Dan is in Nottingham this weekend so I am going to get the train up Friday night and come back some time on Sunday. Getting the train will also limit the amount of shopping I can carry home… or will mean I have to go back to Nottingham by car before Xmas in order to collect my bulky purchases.

Today I am determined to stay positive and have a good day. I need to get some new headphones for my discman cos I seem to have lost mine on Friday in all the confusion of getting the wrong train home and ending up in Grove Park and borrowing my brother’s car and having a lot of shopping bags with me – but that’s another story entirely and an ultimately boring one. Today I am also sending my CV in for a job that I am hugely under-qualified for. If only they’d give me a chance, I could definitely do it, but we’ll see. At this stage an interview would be great if only to give me a chance to snoop round their offices! And improve my interview technique of course. At least I won’t have high expectations for this one.

I might go and get the old giraffe today seeings I have the tokens in my bag! So now it’s just the elephant to go and I reckon I have about 4 or 5 spare tokens left so I’ll have to buy a few extra things every day when I buy my lunch for the next week in order to complete the collection that I somehow seem inexplicably keen to complete. I am supposed to be seeing the lovely Dan Clark perform his award-winning solo show at the Soho Theatre tonight but due to an unforseen defect with L’Oreal hair dye I fear I am going to have to give this one-off performance a miss through fear of seeing someone I know.

I have just got back from lunch having done something very stupid which I’m afraid I can’t admit to just yet. I am such a plank sometimes. Oh well. I walked past a Toni & Guy so popped in to have a word with a colour technician. He suggested I wait 3 weeks for some regrowth then come back so he can analyse my hair and see if he can “cleanse” it and then dye it back to my natural colour. I am not sure what to do. Think I’ll still go to Browns in Nottingham and see what they say and at least get my hair cut cos I’m not sure I can live with this for 3 weeks – that will inulude the Blur week and I’m not sure I want Damon to see me like this. My life just goes from bad to worse. I really am a complete dunce.
I am getting quite good at this standing up for myself business. Just booked a train ticket to Nottingham and the woman refused to send my ticket for Friday through the post – they usually arrive the next day and I have the reference anyway. I have to get it from a Fast Ticket machine but it’s a Friday and I pointed out that it would be very busy and I might not get my ticket in time. She ummed and ah-ed and I managed to get her on tape as saying that as long as I get there 10-15 mins before I should be ok so if I’m not I’ll have to get the old complaint template out on Word and send them my thoughts…but well done to me for badgering her. It was probably unnecessary but it has put my mind at ease knowing I can stitch someone up if it all goes wrong…

I have an appointment at my lovely hairdressers in Nottingham at 9am on Saturday morning so they can test my hair to see if it can be stripped and possibly re-dyed. Hopefully my friend Dan will be about this weekend so I can stay over or I will have to get up super early on Saturday morning and come back when I’m hopefully done and back to a boring old brunette. I pray they can do it. It’s going to kill my hair but I vow to look after it properly just as soon as it gets back to normal. I will deep condition it every week and I will try to resist the urge to get highlights or anything funky done. For a couple of months at least. And I hereby wage a war on L’Oreal. They were very unhelpful. The woman wanted to leave it at her just telling me to wash my hair with medicated shampoo to fade the colour but I piped up asking her how L’Oreal plan to compensate my inconvenience and expense of having to buy medicated shampoo and get my hair done professionally. I have to send some hair in to them for them to analyse before no doubt telling me its not their fault. We’ll see. I won’t let this drop. I apologise for harping on but after the coming weekend fingers crossed this will be fixed and we can go back to me telling you how bored I am all the time.

Well I just bought my brother’s fiancee’s Xmas present. A Ruby & Millie blusher brush. My parents got her the Ruby & Millie brush set but it doesn’t have the big blusher brush I know she wants. I picked it up and took it to the till and nearly fainted when the woman told me it was £18 – FOR A BLUSHER BRUSH!! Good god. Anyway I bought her it and although it’s going to make me look quite tight just getting a make-up brush, that is going to have to be her lot. I’ve got her and my brother stuff to share so I think I’ve been more than generous. So all in all that was another £57 in Boots and therefore another 11 vouchers, which equates to a toy giraffe. And for some reason cos I spent over £50 I got a £10 voucher to spend more or less anywhere in Canary Wharf. Hooray. That is the one good thing that has happened to me in days.

I’ve also written a reply to Total UK who tried to fob me off with £15 and the explanation that the guy didn’t do it on purpose. i.e he didn’t understand that it is illegal, deceitful and fraudulent to process a transaction on a customer’s credit card without their authorisation or them having bought the bloody petrol they are being charged for in the first place. And relax.

So just to recap, that’s Total UK, L’Oreal and Connex/South Eastern Trains I have a problem with. They should take a leaf out of Boots’ book and send me vouchers for cuddly toys. I think I might email them to say thank you and praise them on their customer service.

Disaster has struck. My hair is black. It looks horrific. I am livid and am putting together my case against L’oreal who clearly don’t know the difference between dark brown and black. I am utterly horrified. My friend Sally says that you can definitely get your hair stripped and Sharon suggested getting an appointment at The Salon. I am looking into both options. The first will probably max out my credit card and the second one involves being on the telly with hideous black hair. Either way something needs to be done. Three of my work colleagues have confirmed that it is indeed black except Pete who tried to cheer me up by saying that it looks brown in the light. He is sadly mistaken but I appreciate his efforts to cheer me up. So there I was yesterday morning drying my hair, having dyed it, looking forward to seeing my natural hair colour again for the first time in years. After a few minutes I began to wonder why it wasn’t getting any lighter and then I ran into the bathroom to look in the mirror where I was greeted by the site of a hideous pale witch with black hair looking very ill indeed. It was me. Damn.
I ran into my parents’ room and my mum just laughed at me. Which has destroyed my confidence. Everyone at West Wickham station this morning noticed and I feel so self-conscious.

This lunchtime rather than sitting in Jubilee Plaza and reading my book while I eat my lunch, I am going to come back to the office so I can be out of the glare of the public eye. The fewer people that see me like this the better. I am going to take a picture of myself later to use in evidence during the trial against L’Oreal. I wonder how much I can screw them for. I intend to write a letter as well as shouting at whoever is unlucky enough to answer my call. I received £15 M&S vouchers from Total UK from complaining all those months ago about the w*nker in the petrol station but don’t you worry, they haven’t heard the last of me. I have also just complained to Connex/South Eastern Trains who lose me money every time they make me late. The bastards. It’s me against the corporate giants… I have also decided to stop buying Xmas presents. I just need something for my brother’s fiancee and we are making my grandparents a hamper so other than that I am done.

I’ve just read a similar hair disaster story on the internet about a girl who thought she was dying her hair light brown but ended up with black. She suggests mixing baking soda in with shampoo but she never said whether she used it or whether it works. I’m not sure I really want to risk f*cking up my hair even more but other than making It go green, I’m not sure it can be any worse.

I got a pleasant surprise through the post today. Eleven Boots soft toy vouchers to be precise. When I got my Boots.com stuff through the post I couldn’t find the tokens so a few weeks later during the midst of my soft toy obsession I emailed them to ask where they are. But a few days later when I was resorting through all my Xmas pressies I sifted through the paperwork and found them. As you know. I had forgotten about emailing Boots.com until this morning when I opened my one piece of post and found eleven beautiful shiny tokens and as a result I have a tiger sitting on my desk waiting to be taken home. Superb. Just the elephant and the giraffe left to go. Will I do it? Place your bets now.

I can’t believe quite how quickly this week has gone. And how tired I am. Monday night is still catching up with me and it was even too much just to go round my brother’s last night for Xmas/Wedding discussions. I was being tempted with offers of the Cuban Brothers and free alcohol but I stuck with the programme, went to my brother’s and was rewarded with a Chinese Takeaway. I am very easily pleased. It was lovely though. Possibly even better than free booze. I think that might have sent me over the edge. My train took an hour and a quarter to get to Lewisham this morning so its just as well I wasn’t hung over or the other passengers in my carriage would have had more than just a delay to contend with.

This weekend I am mostly sorting my life out and writing some Lounge stuff for the forthcoming seasonal issue. I am even considering wrapping some presents which at this stage of November is far too organised and it will also prevent me from looking through them all with a sense of pride wishing that someone had thought to buy me such nice things. I am planning yet another shopping trip this time to Croydon cos I think I have exhausted all of Bromley’s possibilities. Ideally I would like to go down to Brighton to have a wander down the lanes but I think it’s a bit too short notice for me to be arsed.

We have been planning our desk Xmas do today and have come to the conclusion that we can’t be arsed to go for food so its going to be a liquid lunch. Not only that, but rather than going somewhere nice we are going to a nearby hotel where they have happy hour 12-7 every day and rather than £3 a pint, it’s only £1.75 Apparently there is a food van parked around the corner and they are planning to get an egg bap each for 80p on the way back to the office. Or an eggburger as Pete is now calling it. Pure class.

I shouldn’t really mention this cos it is quite embarrassing and I did go bright red as I did it, but when I picked the phone up today I got very confused. I was worried I’d say “Northern Rock” the first time I answered the phone instead of “Northern Trust” but ended up greeting the caller with the words “National Trust”. What an idiot. Clearly, I don’t work at the National Trust. The guy opposite me definitely heard me say it too but he kindly held back the sniggers and presumably waited until I left the desk to tell the others. I am such a goon sometimes.

I have just been out to get my lunch and as I came down the escalators into Jubilee Plaza, two of the Giant Pineapple Boys were there to greet me with a flyer. Which, thanks to many years practise at the Edinburgh Festival, I didn’t take. I’ve never properly met them so I thought it best not to go over and start a conversation. Especially when they were working. My life is one big melting pot of celebrity encounters. Not.

Last night’s gig was very strange. I saw ESP about a year and a half ago in the same venue and Andy was about 18 and Tom was about 17. Andy was the main singer, played the guitar and was a bit of a tw*at, and Tom was quite chubby, played the drums and only once swapped with Andy to take centre stage and sing. They were good but not brilliant. However, last night was totally different. It was an all-new ESP. They’d both shot up about two feet, they were both on guitar and Tom seemed to have shed several stone in weight and assumed the role of main singer and chief tw*at. It was bizarre. It was a lot more guitary and rockier and they had Matt Priestly (from Dodgy – who has been stalking me for the past five years) on drums. They were loads better and we stayed to the end despite me threatening to leave early because they didn’t come on stage til gone 10pm and I wanted to get the 11.07pm train. Which I missed. I listened to the Jerry Springer The Opera live CD on my way home. It’s brilliant. I think there’s a grand total of one song with no swearing or vulgarity in it that I can play to my parents. Nice.

I have a voucher, you may also, for Boots for 150 extra points every time I buy a Meal Deal until the end of December. Now. A meal deal is £2.95 which gives you 11 points I believe and you get a penny for every point. So according to my calculations and depending on which you prefer… I either get my lunch for £1.34 or between now and the end of the year I get approximately an extra £37.50 on my Boots card. That’s not bad going eh? Every day the dipstick behind the till in Boots takes my voucher, puts everything through and tries to keep my voucher. I am sure he does it on purpose to annoy me. Because he’s an idot.

I can’t help noticing quite how big my roots are every time I look in the mirror. Not that I make a habit of looking at myself but there is a wall of mirrors in the ladies in front of the sinks so its unavoidable when I wash my hands. They don’t look as bad as they would if I had bleached hair but it still makes me cringe. I have taken control of the situation and bought some dark brown hair dye in an attempt to rediscover my natural hair colour – boring though it is - although it has been so long I’ve forgotten what it might look like and the last time I tried didn’t make the blindest bit of difference. I’m thinking of getting my hair chopped off but I’m definitely not brave enough to have it too short. I definitely need a few inches getting rid of and some kind of style being applied. I’m bored of my hair. In fact, I think I’m just bored in general. I need an adventure or something to plan. Maybe I should get on the case and try to organise another comedy benefit with Laura or persuade someone to go inter-railing. If only David Gray or Aqualung could find it in their hearts to tour Europe, that would be the perfect excuse…

It was brought to my attention that Donna Air(head) and her partner plan to leave their baby Freya, born in September, in a Gorilla enclosure overnight in the near future. I am slightly baffled as to why they might choose to do this, gorillas aren’t the average parent’s choice for a babysitter. They must have some other friends who are available to babysit that night. God, I really am waffling on now. I’ve got hardly anything to do. Still. There’s really no need for me to be here but I don’t want to do myself out of a job.

Damon Albarn solo news…

“DEMOCRAZY”



The album comes on double 10" vinyl, one is white, the other is a picture disc, limited to 5000 copies and is released at the end of November 2003 priced £11.99
Tel: (0) 208 968 6964
Email: mail@honestjons.com

This evening we are going to explore the wonders of Canary Wharf before going into town. There are loads of bars and restaurants so we should be spoilt for choice and with it being a Wednesday I doubt it will really be too busy. It’ll be interesting to have a wander round the bits that I normally wouldn’t bother with. Although having said that, we probably won’t bother.

Having to drag my tired body into central London again tonight against its will. I am going to have to stop booking gig tickets so far in advance without considering that I might be hung over from a star-studded premiere two nights previously. It’s becoming an all too common occurrence. I have no idea how I got out of bed this morning, I daresay I wouldn’t have if I didn’t like it here so much. This morning the gang has been discussing the merits of Haribo and decided that Percy Pig and his Pals (from Asda I think) are nicer so they should change Haribo’s slogan from “kids and adults love them so…” to “some children and a small percentage of adults love them so….” Well maybe you’d have had to be there. If you had experienced JPMorgan where I was sitting just with my sap of a boss who was a 40 year old, balding tw*at and a west ham fan, you would understand my delight at now sitting with three male colleagues and my boss, all of which are great and none of which have once mentioned football in the three weeks I have been here.

Yes, so as I was saying, I am going to see the Electric Soft Parade tonight. Two young boys from Brighton who I adore but I must say that last time I saw them they didn’t blow me away but they have had well over a year to practise so we’ll see. It’s in my spiritual home, the Astoria.

I spend the whole day sending myself emails and making lists to remind me to do things when I get home but by the time I get home I am always far too tired to even care and end up lazing around like a big lump. I need some get up and go. Maybe I should eat Ready Break in the mornings to give myself a warm outer-glow. Or I could try Berocca as long as it doesn’t contain caffeine… Pro Plus is totally out of the question. I’m going to need something for my manic Blur week in December. Logistically and physically that is going to be a living nightmare culminating in possibly one of the smallest and best Blur gigs for years.

I am running out of ideas for what to get my dad as his main present for Xmas. Dads are so hard to buy for. Especially my dad, and especially now over the past 5 years or so we’ve bought him every golfing aid and gadget under the golfing sun. My mum is easy cos she just wants M&S vouchers so she has an excuse to spend money in M&S, but Dad doesn’t really shop… any ideas? If there are any 59 year old golfers reading this (and I’m not altogether sure that I really want to know if there are) please email me your suggestions… Perhaps I could get him a child slave to be his caddy…

And the good news you’ve been waiting for is that the traditional Xmas issue of Comedy Lounge will be online within the next few weeks most importantly packed full of ideas for what you might like to buy us for Xmas as well as the usual nonsense. It’ll be just in time for you to meet the posting deadlines if you want to send anything to Comedy Lounge HQ. There must have been problems with post last year, which’s the only explanation I can think of for the lack of presents from our adoring fans.

Tuesday 11 November
"I'm glad you got in" - Stewart Lee.
"Where did you just come from" - Lee Mack
What a night.

The gang are talking about advent calendars at the moment and I am wondering whether Walkers could do one for crisp lovers. I don't really like chocolate so it'd be an ideal and tasty way for me to countdown to Xmas... or Crispmas if you like. It'd be easy enough to do except one crisp might not satisfy much of an appetite, but it would leave you wanting more. This fantastic idea seems to have been overlooked by the marketing department of Walkers. Maybe a peanut/nibble version is also in order. Once again, I have stumbled across a gap in the consumer market ? I am definitely in the wrong job.

So, last night. It was very, very showbiz. Here is a list of the famouses I remember off the top of my head.
Jerry Springer
Dempsey and Makepeace (Michael Brandon & Glyns Barber)
Gaby Roslin
Ronnie Ancona (Sharon's favourite)
Damon Hill
John Leslie & girlfriend
Ralf Little, Will Mellor and the annoying squeaky girl from "Two pints
of lager?"
Sam Fox
Richard Keith Herring
The Actor Kevin Eldon
Mr. & Mrs. Munnery
Lee Mack (who kindly warned me not to go near John Leslie)
Tracy Ulman & son
Sven Goran Eriksson's Italian bird
Angus Deayton
Tim Vine & father

And I have just found this on the beeb news site?
"Other guests at the première included former TV presenter John Leslie, with girlfriend Abi Titmus, Sir David Frost, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson, Pop Idol judge Simon Cowell and actress/comedian Tracey Ullman."

When we got to the Cambridge theatre we somewhat bottled it with respect to walking down the red carpet where all the journos and photographers were and slipped in the side entrance only to get inside at the precise moment as John Leslie who is looking quite old and grey. We wandered downstairs for some free champagne where I happily spotted Richard Herring of Fist of Fun fame.

The show was amazing, as expected and at the end all the people that made it happen came onto the stage including Stew in a purple suit and trademark red shoes. He looked slightly uncomfortable whereas Richard Thomas seemed to be in his element, and rightly so. I felt so proud of what two of our oldest comedy lounge heroes had achieved and Richard managed to "drag" a "reluctant" Jerry Springer onto the stage, who when the cheering died down, said "I'm sorry". Hilarity ensued.

I would like to give a special mention to …. Who plays .. and Eve in JSTO. I wouldn’t really say she’s an opera singer but then neither are the majority of the performers but she has the most incredible voice. She gave me goosebumps when she sang her “I Just Wanna Dance” song. I really must buy the album immediately, as must you. I imagine Simon Cowell wouldn’t have had a bad thing to say about her and it was nice to hear her get by far the biggest cheer at the end. I must go again soon but it’s very expensive. I think its booking until March so hopefully Stew and Rich should see the cash rolling in soon, especially with the CD and other merchandise on sale and it’ll be going to Broadway at some point too. And the programme gave news of Stew’s film which, get this, is to be made by “Avalon Motion Pictures”… they don’t miss a trick do they!?

The party was at the Banqueting House of Whitehall Palace, which handily enough is about 100m from where the N3 to Beckenham stops thereby saving me from a £30 cab ride home and delivering me into the hands of my usual taxi man who is actually beginning to do my head in. He seems to laugh at me a lot and laughed at the prospect of Jerry Springer the Opera. I spose it's not his fault he's uncultured.

After about 8 too many rose petal martini cocktails I am feeling very worse for wear, along with trying to text on the nightbus home which made me feel even worse. It's always a bad idea to read on the move. I have a vague recollection of eating curry when I got home, in an attempt to soak up some alcohol and make up for not having dinner. I really do suffer quite badly with hangovers. I can handle my drink very well and never really seem to feel drunk but when I wake up I find it very hard to walk in a straight line and suffer from horrendous headaches and a feeling of slight regret. At least I always without fail, no matter how drunk I am, I have an built-in device that makes me remove my make-up. It's 4.30pm and I am fading fast.

You may be relieved to hear that I went for the zebra in the end. I haven’t seen any zebras before so it was fate that there was one balancing near the top of the pile of stuffed bodies when I asked the man in Boots if they had any. So that’s good. I feel very pleased with myself. I think I’d like either the tiger or the giraffe next, and then the elephant. I’m glad we’ve got that straight.

This morning went fairly quickly given my state of excitement and desperation for 5pm to come round although its going to be very embarrassing walking out of work and getting the tube dressed up to the nines and bloody cold walking round London in a satin dress. Obviously I will be wearing a coat, I’m not stupid. I have a feeling the final 3.5 hours are going to drag. I have arse all to do for a start. How do I always manage to get jobs where I don’t have anything to do all day? The boys are a bit quiet today so I don’t even have them to keep me entertained.

“This is my Jerry Springer moment…la la la la la la la la laaaaa… so dip me in chocolate, and throw me to the lesbians…I don’t want this moment to end…” Two hours to go. I am very excited at the prospect of standing near and staring at Dempsey and potentially Makepiece who is married to Michael Brandon. I wonder if Ant and Dec might be there… I wonder if there will be a red carpet and lots of paparazzi… I wonder if I am getting slightly carried away with myself…I wonder if Shane Richie will be there… that might be almost too much excitement to cope with. I am beginning to get butterflies in my tummy. I wonder if Blur will be there. I wonder who we’ll be sitting with. I wonder if they remember to put a ticket aside for me…

It has just come to light that one of my co-workers gets £2 a week pocket money from his nan! He said he had a word with her now that it’s winter cos she gets an extra heating allowance so can probably afford to give him a bit more! This coming from someone who must be on at least £30k. I usually get a £10 gift voucher of sorts for Xmas and then another one 3 weeks later for my birthday. He’s just been out and spent a fiver on her Xmas present – a box of chocolate biscuits from M&S… he reminds me a lot of my friend Dan Moss who I went to uni with but I seem to have lost touch with him. He was really funny too.

I wonder if Simon Cowell or any of the bloody Pop Idol contestants will be there… that would be good. I could practise my heckling skills. I remember last year at the British Comedy Awards Nominations night one of the Pop Idol rejects was there with a couple of the Fame Academy Rejects. I just stared and looked at them disapprovingly. Therefore I win. Ooh, I wonder if Lee Mack will be there.. think he is at the Store tonight but surely he’ll come to the party. I hope so. One goddam hour to go.

Cheg on. I have found my boots.com tokens and so can increase my collection of soft toys even further. And I have a feeling my mum might be getting one soon which I will no doubt get for Xmas so I may even finish the year with the whole set. I am missing the zebra, elephant, giraffe and tiger at the moment. I am undecided about which one to get today. I am tempted by the tiger but its very similar to the leopard I have already. I haven’t seen the zebra anywhere… I feel as though I should get the elephant cos I used to love elephants but it’s just not that cute, neither is the giraffe really.

I am very excited about the Jerry Springer Premiere tonight. I hope it’s not disappointing. I’m sure it won’t be cos even just the fact that we’ll get to see the Opera should make it a brilliant night in itself. I imagine the man himself will get up on stage and take some credit for “his” opera. But then I spose it wouldn’t have made it to the West End without him agreeing to be portrayed as the mentalist that he is. I am wondering how the hell I am going to wake up in time for work tomorrow, even though I have the morning off. I have no idea where the party is or what time it’ll go on til but I do know I have to be at work by 1pm.

Sharon has cracked and is begging me to tell her Dave Gorman’s Googlewhack secret. She is telling me that there is no way she will ever get to see the show and she probably won’t read the book. So now I am in quite a quandry. Obviously Sharon’s my best friend and I must be loyal to her but I promised Dave I wouldn’t tell and I don’t want to break my promise. Then again, Sharon is right. Avalon acts rarely go to Ireland so telling her won’t spoil her enjoyment of something she can’t see…and that was the reason Dave made us promise.

Found out this interestingp piece of trivia from Popbitch.

"The Queen called her first corgi Susan"

God, I hate my name. Bet the corgi does too.

I got the bus into Bromley from Lewisham after work yesterday evening and it struck me that the 208 stops far, far too many times. Literally every 50m. Surely the people of SE London aren’t so lazy and unfit that there has to be such a small distance between bust stops. It took over half an hour to travel a few miles. I also have some astonishing news. While I was waiting for the bus home last night I noticed a new bus called the N119. Now, the 119 goes from Bromley to Croydon via West Wickham and that little N prefix normally denotes a nightbus. I moved closer to the timetable for confirmation of what I have been campaigning for, for a great many years. A nightbus to West Wickham!! Rock on. It may not go anywhere near central London but at least if I have a spare few hours in the dead of night and am not in a hurry to get home this side of Xmas, I can make it home if I get another nightbus to Brommers or Croydon. This really is a momentous occasion and it could only have happened in the past few weeks. The last train from London to West Wickham has been moved forward to 23.37 which is bloody stupid. It’s zone 5 and there is no way of getting there after the last train. So now there sort of is. I will probably stick to my N3 then cab method of getting home but maybe one weekend I’ll give it a go. We just don’t know.


Had a brief wander about and bought a pair of trousers and a skirt for work and some underwear from M&S. Bought the odd Xmas pressie but I was really out to buy trousers cos my black ones are falling apart…I need to give my wardrobe the Trinny and Susannah treatment but I hoard things and find it hard to throw things away. I have far too many clothes, the majority of which I don’t wear. I think I may take everything out of my wardrobe and put back just the stuff I wear and see how long (if at all) it takes me to miss any of my other clothes… Actally, that’s a really good idea. I just need someone to give me £2000 for free so I can update my look. Any offers?

And there is the splendid news that Blur are to be the first band to play at the new music venue in South East London, the Coronet. Tickets are on sale at 9am on 8th November at www.blur.co.uk but for special people who Blur want to make sure get in, tickets went on sale this morning. I am pleased to announce I successfully purchased my tickets and I will be seeing Blur four nights in a row for the second time this year. And just to make sure I am extra tired come the last night, I am going to see Turin Brakes the night before the first Blur shindig. Excellent. The Coronet has a capacity of 2200 which is about the same as Rock City in Nottingham which is where I first saw Blur.. and what a night that was.

Its been a while folks. And that’s because I’ve been busy with a new job and being ill and exhausted. And I’ve finished the bulk of my Xmas shopping – a feat that I am both astonished and impressed with. I’ve already given myself a well-deserved pat on the back. It’s a shame I can’t really divulge the details of the presents I’ve bought for my friends and family, just in case they read about them, cos I really am thoroughly chuffed with what I have managed to seek out with my beady eyes. All I need to do now is check up on last posting dates so I can make sure my tidings of joy arrive on the appropriate door-mats in good time for the celebration of the 2003rd birthday of the Lamb Prince.

Now, let’s start from here and work backwards as is the norm when I’ve not blogged for a while, which is more or less every posting these days. Like the good girl that I am, I haven’t been out all week except to have three quick bottled beers with some old work chums who I have discovered also work in the Land of the Docks. I phoned Sharon on Wednesday morning at 7.50am like the true best friend that I am in order to wish her a happy birthday… more importantly I made sure it was a happy 23rd birthday that I wished her.

This fortnight I have been mostly spending a fortune in Boots (which I would have done anyway) in order to collect tokens to exchange for cuddly beany toys. You get 1 token for every £5 you spend and you need 10 tokens for a toy. I have a rhino and a leopard and 2 spare tokens. I am also due at least 10 tokens (which equates to a zebra) from online purchases so you do the maths – it’s all gone on my shiny new RBS Advanta card. To sum up, Boots have taken me for the mug that I am, but as I say, I’ve got some wicked Xmas presents for my troubles so it’s all swings and roundabouts.

I started my new temp job last Monday so I am now based in Docklands. I actually really like it here. The people are really nice, the atmosphere is relaxed and it’s a relatively quick and easy journey for me – it’s the shortest journey to work I have had since leaving university and throwing myself into the rubbish world of work. A large tea in the staff restaurant is £1 so I am spending between £10 and £15 a week dehydrating myself, but it works out to about an hour’s work (before tax). I had no idea there were so many shops, restaurants and bars in Canary Wharf. I absolutely love working in this area and there’s a sense that we’re not really in London. There are no people racing around in one massive hurry and the DLR is a joy to ride on compared with the underground, it’s like some kind of space age travelling vehicle and surprisingly the heights it travels at don’t scare me. It’s like being in another world and I’ll be sad to go come January/February time and I will miss my fellow co-workers… The Pub Landlord would love them. Adam, Pete, Dave, James and Steve. Fine British forenames. I am planning our first trip to a nearby comedy club and I am yet to spin them the old “I’ve interviewed Ricky Gervais” line which is a corking claim to fame if you work in an office where workers worship him as some kind of god. I have yet to hide Pete’s stapler in some lime jelly. My new team seem to have developed a number of different names for me, the most popular being Suzanne. I don’t think anyone except my boss calls me Susan. He also calls me Sue which is reserved for family and close personal friends who can only muster up the energy to say a word of one syllable rather than one, and cos I don’t really like it. My favourite person here, Adam (cos he is very funny and sits opposite me), has taken to calling me Sus (how you’d say ‘sus’an) which I like. Its probably cos he doesn’t know whether to call me Susan or Suzanne.

Last week I read ‘Join Me’ by St. Wallace so he can now stop shouting at me when I see him. We maintain that Team CL responded to Danny’s Join Me link on his website long before he had 1000 joinees. Granted it might have alerted the Comedy world and the media to the instigator of Join Me at the very point Danny was wanting to retain his air of mystery but once again it shows the Wallace/Gorman trait of not trusting Comedy Lounge to keep things to themselves. I intend to join forthwith. I didn’t want to join just because it was THE thing to do and everybody was doing it (I’m not one to follow trends just to fit in with the crowd), I wanted to understand the idea and then join off my own back. But it turned out that I should have just joined despite not knowing why. I want a Join Me t-shirt. Does anyone have one they’d like to lend me? Permanently? I would also like a Cluub Z t-shirt if anyone has one hidden away in their wardrobe.

I am now finishing reading ‘One Hit Wonderland’ which I started reading earlier on in the year but only got half-way through before the festival. Tony Hawks is one of my all time favourite comedians. In fact, he is one of my all time favourite people. I was stupidly nervous when we met him after his show in Edinburgh but thankfully I managed to stop myself from asking him to sign my CD with “making, baking, the croissants of Antwerp”, a quote I am sure he doesn’t ever remember saying (he sang those mortal words on The Brain Drain about 10 years ago, and somehow they stuck in my mind) despite Sharon egging me on to do it.

After wandering round in Brighton at 2am with just a thin jumper to shield me from the freezing winds blowing off the sea it was no surprise that I came down with a life-threatening cold. And just in time for starting my new job, which was nice. So not only did I have to contend with hauling myself out of bed at 7am for the first time in 3 months, I also had to learn a new job, meet new people and run to the toilets everytime I needed to blow my nose which was very often. By the end of last week I was totally exhausted but pleased with myself for sticking with the job and doing a full week. What an achievement.

Going to see Aqualung on the Tuesday possibly didn’t help but I had bought those tickets already and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. But unlike last time where we sat about quite casually, we didn’t reckon for the gaggle of teenage girls who decided to stand up right at the front of the stage and spoil the grown-ups’ fun, making us all stand up. It was half term. Arse. I recognised one of the guys setting up but I thought nothing of it until he was on stage with Aqualung playing bass. It was then that I realised who he was. It was Alonza from one of my all time favourite bands, Kula Shaker. And what a coincidence cos only two days later I was due to see the Jeevas who are fronted by Crispin Mills, the lead singer of Kula Shaker. I was understandably very excited and even resorted to getting his autograph in the bar afterwards. I really did love Kula Shaker. Me and Kathryn saw them live a good few times before they split and I remember the last time was at the Kentish Town Forum and it was like one massive party and even Kathryn jumped around (which is really saying something). Where was I? Oh yes, except cos I was ill and going to work when really I should have been tucked up in bed, I got worse and had to miss out on seeing the Jeevas. Gutted but there was no way I could have physically gone and not died.

I am not sure that I have any more interesting things to tell you about the last few weeks. I am going to the West End premiere of Jerry Springer the Opera, which requires me to wear my most posh frock, which also happens to be my only frock. I daresay Heat will take a picture of me and use it in their ‘what to wear to a west end premiere’ feature and put a big cross next to my face. I am obviously really excited about the whole thing. Jerry Springer is going to be there. And Michael Brandon who plays Jerry Springer who is off of Dempsey and Makepiece and who I had a crush on when I was about 8. And me. I wonder how many famouses I will spot. I am mostly looking forward to the closing sequence with the choreographed multitude of Jerry Springers and then starting a spontaneous standing ovation. And seeing Stewart Lee and telling him for the 4th time how brilliant I thought it all was.

Yesterday my boss said “I haven’t got the authority”. This made me laugh. Slightly too much.